No One Pranks Avery
by Summoner Avery
Summary: Lucia has unleashed upon the members of the T2M clan a devastating array of pranks in celebration of thos holiest of days; April 1st. How does Avery cope?


**Avery: **This is the first part of my response to Lulita's April Fools Day Prank fic which can be found at her account: Lucia I. Legaia Tanaka #288127

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            The wind whipped at Avery's blue Chocobo pajama pants, snapping them against her calves. Her short hair pricked her face, numbing her now rosy cheeks. Blue eyes watering, she pulled her light blazer tighter. It was the heaviest jacket she owned. "I n-need heat." She whirled about and fumbled with the doorknob until she was inside again.

            'How the hell did Lucia get my basement out from under my house…and on a mountain?' Avery wondered as she pulled everything out of her dresser and pulled on as many layers as she could. A "Zanarkand Abes" beanie… Tights, spandex shorts, jeans, tight sweats, looser sweats, Chocobo pants… A bra (obviously a quite unnecessary feature of her wardrobe… T__T), an Underarmor tank top, a long-sleeved Underarmor top, a black turtleneck, her Chocobo pj shirt, a light YuGiOh hoodie from the little boys' section of Macy's, SHS fencing hoodie from a friend in NJ, and the windbreaker. She also tore apart her sock drawer, pulling three thick pairs onto her feet and two more on each hand, which she promptly cut thumbholes in with the scissors in her jewelry box. For lack of more appropriate footwear, Avery pulled her Gunner Yuna cosplay boots out of the closet and yanked them on over the triple-layered socks.

            She was sweating now as it was still warm inside the house. Avery tottered over to her full-length mirror and her face contorted in horror. She was mismatched, bedraggled, and dressed like Rachel on one of Rachel's _good_ days. "There better not be any towns on the way down this mountain. I look like some… dirty New Jersey dago."

            Heaving a sigh, Avery dragged her mail bag out of the corner, dumped the books onto to floor, and kneeled down in front of the mini-fridge. She carefully filled the bottom with glass Ramune bottles. On top of those, she placed a Tupperware full of fruit and yogurt, some boxes of Pocky, a couple packs of sushi, and a huge hunk of chocolate.

            She walked about, collecting her cell phone, practice foil, wallet, cds and player, handguns, batteries, bullets, and her Tidus plushie , and throwing all but the last in her bag. Checking her provisions over once more, she grabbed the duvet off her bed and headed back outside.

            Suddenly, she burst back in, angrily flipped off Lucia's surveillance camera with both hands, and darted outside again.

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            "Geist seele wille zelle… hakimidarete-" The donkey scoffed and violently shook his head.

            "You don't like that song either!? C'mon! Gimme something to work with! Stupid monkey-horse," Avery crossed her arms, warm and comfortable on the donkey's back, but bored out of her mind. The donkey seemed to know his way down the path, so she let him wander.

            "Damn, I wish you were a chocobo."

            The donkey snorfed.

            "That was a _lovely_ noise, Max." Avery put her head back to look up at the sky, one hand keeping a firm grip on the pommel of the saddle. As Max lumbered on beneath her, she began another song. "Hello me, are you in there? Making sure you're not dead… smelled some rotting flesh…" Max didn't protest, so she continued. "I heard you left him alone... sun's up with open roads… get down, freak out…the time is right now. Drop your things and burn your clothes… why we're here, no one knows… Watch the bombs explode…"

            This time, Avery was interrupted by her cell phone. "…the fuck? I thought Lucia blocked my communications." She fished the Verizon phone out of her bag and looked at the number. "Of course she wouldn't block her own number…" Sighing, Avery answered.

            "Hey, Lucia. Positive local. How ya been?"

            Lucia took a moment to respond, obviously taken aback by Avery's cheerful greeting. "Are you…still in the mountains?"

            "Aw, hell yeah! It's trey ninja up here. Max and I are doing a bit of bonding… (here she whispered) Nice touch naming the ass Maxwell…"

            Max hee-hawed and shivered.

            "Are you cold or anything? Desperate for food? Water? Playstation?" Lucia asked, scrambling for some misfortune to accuse Avery of.

            "Nope! Well… that's a lie. I kind of miss my Playstation, but I brought my Gameboy. How's the day treatin' you?"

            There was another long pause. "THIS ISN'T FAIR, AVERY! WALLOW IN MISERY! CRAWL ON YOUR HANDS AN KNEES THROUGH THE DEPTH OF DESPAIR! FEEL THE ANGUISH AND HUMILIATION OF A TRULY INGENIOUS AND INSIDIOUS PRANK!"

            "…nah! I'm cool."

            There was a disgruntled growl on the other end of the line, as well as some muffled yelling and an inhuman 'YIPE!'.

            "Hey, Lulita? Is this a bad time? You could always call be back. I'm not doing anything for a while."

            "Do NOT refer to me as 'Lulita'!"

            "Sure thing, Lulu. But, yanno, I better get going. It's rude of me to ignore Max. I'm his guest after all." *click*

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            Lucia roared furiously and slammed down the receiver. "How dare she!? HOW DARE SHE!?"

            "How dare who what?" Lance asked, nothing bothering to turn away from the cardboard tubes he was arranging on one of Lucia's shelves.

            "…AVERY! How DARE she enjoy her prank!?"

            "She's _enjoying_ being alone in the Rockies?"

            "Oh no! She's not alone…! She's talking TO THE DONKEY!" Lucia was incredulous and raging. Her plot to spoil Avery's week was beginning to fall apart. 

            "Mmm Hmmm…" Lance replied, studying a cardboard tube named Dewy with a crude face drawn on it. 'Where the hell did this come from?'

            Lucia whirled on Lance, her black trench coat billowing out dramatically for a moment and her sunglasses flashing in the artificial light. "LANCE! Get out there and make her miserable!"

            Lance stared blankly at the dark haired girl. Was she insane? The LAST thing he wanted was the entire east coast mafia out to get him. Lucia was safe, being a mafia princess herself, but Lance would be fish food before one could say "I love The Sopranos". 

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            "E crymm vunkeja druca fru dnacbycc ykyehcd sa... Vun druca fru caag du rind sa, drana ec hu knaydan najahka dryh so kuut vundiha," Avery smiled, citing an Al Bhed proverb, "But in this case, a different kind of revenge may be in order."

            Max simply grunted and thrashed his tail.

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**Avery: **For those of you not fluent in Al Bhed, there are several translators available on-line. ^__^


End file.
